TFM Column | Overheard on the Goldman Sachs Elevator

by peterjukes

#1: She’s only about 3 weeks of anorexia away from looking hot.

#2: Maybe 4.

#1: Hey fat fuck, I already know what your resolution is.

#1: Can we please stop calling them ‘hipsters’ and go back to calling them ‘pussies?’

#1: Groupon… Food stamps for the middle class.

#1: A guy came up to me at the gym and asked me what event I was training so hard for. Life, motherfucker.

#1: If you can only be good at one thing, be good at lying… because if you’re good at lying, you’re good at everything.

#1: Blacking out is just your brain clearing its browser history.

#1: My garbage disposal eats better than 98% of the world.

#1: Walking around the protesters outside makes me feel like how a black guy must feel in the gym shower.

#1: Age is just a number. The more important number is how hot she is out of 10.

#1: Hermes ties are like Jordans for white people.

#1: I don’t care how into the environment she says she is. No chick wants to be picked up in a Chevy Volt.

#1: You’re going to Hell in just about any religion.

#2: First class, baby…

#1: Living my life is like playing Call of Duty on Easy. I just go around and fuck shit up.

#1: Sober girls are the worst. So are really drunk ones… The sweet spot is 4 white wines and a Zanny.

#1: I heard the Euro was spotted at Disney World wearing a Make-A-Wish t-shirt.

#1: Bareback is the new 3rd base.

#1: I never give money to homeless people. I can’t reward failure in good conscience.

#1: Fuck that. When I was an analyst, I had to eat an entire ‘wasabi roll’. What we called team building, you faggots call bullying.

#1: Handshakes and tie knots. I don’t have time for someone that can’t master those basic skills.

#1: Two weeks of family time. I’m ready for a FBT to let some bad out.

#2: FBT?

#1: Fake Business Trip.

#1: When it doesn’t matter how much the drinks cost, it’s always happy hour.

#1: Money might not buy happiness, but I’ll take my fucking chances.

#1: Obama’s gone golfing 90 times in less than 3 years as president. That’s about three months of golf.

#1: Almost time for children to learn a valuable life lesson. Santa loves rich kids more.

#1: By now, protesters just look like pigeons to me.

#1: Fact. Nearly 50% of all American workers have less than $10k saved for retirement.

#2: Fuck. That wouldn’t cover a ski weekend.

#1: Anyone that puts CFA and MBA on their business card is a cunt.

#1: Don’t bitch about your apartment. If you want a gated house on a golf course, go be some dogshit CFO in Cleveland.

#1: I asked him what his life goal is, and he said “to make the obituary in The Economist.”

#2: Great answer. Hired.

#1: From my experience, most people really should have lower self-esteem.

#1: My charity work begins & ends with black tie galas. And if drunk me is the highest bidder on a signed Springsteen guitar, so be it.

#1: Let’s get one thing straight. Mark Zuckerberg is a fucking loser.

#1: Black Friday is the Special Olympics of capitalism.

#1: The only reason I have a home phone is so I can find my cell phone.

#2: Our maid does that.

#1: Getting laid off from Goldman is like being traded by the Yankees. You’ll probably still make millions, but it’s just not the same.

via TFM Column | Overheard on the Goldman Sachs Elevator.

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